a long time gone

As you, my dear readers, have likely guessed my grandma passed away. She left us on Monday November 6 and we had her funeral on Friday November 10. It has been a hard couple of days and I don't believe that the pain of it all will ease any time soon. It seems that every time I turn a corner or look at something I have a recollection of her.

Her funeral was the first I've ever been to. When we intially walked in I was shocked by how few people were there. I had a rage and anger... the reverend began to speak and was pointed in a different direction and explained that the family was sitting seperately. Her eulogy and songs took 40 minutes. The songs weren't good - I didn't agree with the choices - and I didn't agree with the eulogy. I was left open mouthed when the reverend said that grandma had been in a relationship that brought my uncle rick into the world before her marriage with my grandfather and summarized with a 'but things happen'. I sat there open mouthed for a while... I couldn't believe it. I don't know if anyone else was a shocked as I was. I knew, but I didn't think it needed to be announced at her funeral. I felt kind of drunk during the eulogy. I didn't know what to do with myself - I felt giggly and then without warning I broke down. I cried threw the entire last song. When we left I watched as my family broke down. I turned away and cried. We went to her tea and it was terrible seeing all the sad faces. My other grandma sat with us, she asked how I was - I said fine and then I told Andy I needed to leave. I left the tea and cried outside for a while. I was disappointed with the eulogy and myself for grieving. I know - that sounds crazy but I'm not comfortable with feeling like that.

Andy, being the great man that he is, talked things through with me and we went back in for a while. The tea was about an hour. Afterward some family came to my house and we had some snacks and just hung out.

Last night my mom came by and it was decided that I was to get one of grandma's things - this is pretty weird because they haven't been giving away anything as her will hasn't been evaluated. She handed me her bible. They gave it to me because she had kept newspaper clippings of me in it... there weren't any other pictures of or notes to anyone else. It hurt to take it.

I went through it page by page last night, looking for her hand writing and underlining. She had written on at least a hundred pages and I only made it half way. I didn't realize how important the bible had been to her. I spent many a thursday afternoon in bible study with her and going to church on sunday with her but I had it in my head that she liked breaking the rules of the church and didn't really care. I was wrong. She loved her God and I missed it. Seeing her handwriting made me hurt even more because I know that I will never get anything else with her handwriting on it. I won't get a christmas card this year saying she loved me this year.

Something I'm really struggling with right now is that this is only the beginning of loss. I know I can't live like that but that is how it feels. How many other people will I lose? How many people will lose me? Am I being selfish? Should I believe that there is something else after death? Did she really go to a better place? That is what is really killing me inside, the uncertainty of it all. I want there to be more - I want to believe that there is something else to this life but right now I'm not believing it - something in me is saying that that was truly it. She lived her life and loved us all and we loved her and that is it. She's gone and we are left to grieve our loss.

What do I take away from all of this? I know that I can be a better person. I know that I need to really look at what is important to me and what isn't, because there really aren't as many hours or days as I thought there would be. I need to go and have a shower. I hope that my future posts will be a bit more up beat and not so depressing. Thank you for reading and thank you for your thoughts and prayers through all this.