Also known as sleep walking. Mine is back with a venegance right now. I've been trying to control it by putting up obstacles, but it isn't working. I'm able to get up walk to Michael's room, climb over the gate and then - well some nights I'm sleeping there for a while and then coming back to my bed, some nights I'm picking Michael up and bringing him to my bed... it is driving me crazy! Worse, I don't know if I'm doing anything else - I'm scared to video tape me doing it because... well the idea of it creeps me out - there are too many what if I'm doing... ???? who knows what... I think it is about not getting enough sleep and my body hears Michael make a sound and that is the reaction - just get up - get him and go back to full sleep... I don't want him in my bed though - so if anyone has any helpful hints - I will happily accept them.
My grandma was finally moved to palliative care on the weekend. She had a bowel obstruction as a result of the meds used for fixing her arm. They put in a gastric tube which runs from your stomach out your nose - not nice - that was in until last night. She pulled it out at 2am. There was talk that once that was out she would go quickly - probably with in 6 hours, because (to be blunt) she would drowned. Because she is in a palliative bed now they have stopped feeding her, she is also only getting teaspoons of water - so her stomach isn't overloading like they had anticipated. At this point, they have removed all her IV's and she is getting morphine every 30 minutes, plus she is wearing a couple of drug patches. She seems comfortable. It has been eye opening and heart wrenching to visit her and see her boys (my dad and uncles) try to talk with her and try to make peace with themselves that she isn't going to be her much longer. The morphine is causing her breaths to slow. She will take a long breath and then hold it for 15 or 20 seconds. This has increased over the past two days.
I don't know how I thought I was going to deal with this, but I'm not coping very well. With Andy gone and very few breaks from the kids I've lost it a few times. I break down every time I leave the hospital. I've been going at least once a day. I don't need to say anything anymore - I talked to her at the beginning of the week... now it just hurts to say anything. My uncle sat with her today and gave her some water and I just wanted to breakdown. I held it together because I don't feel super comfortable crying with them - the men, even women, in my family don't really show a lot of emotion - well all except anger - I've seen loads of that :)
I guess this is all part of grief, and as a first timer to it I'm struggling - and that is being kind. I can't believe what some of my family and friends have already had to experience and dealt with. What do you do? How did you cope? Today I thought about lunch and cried in the car all the way home because I knew that I could eat and she couldn't. Then I started thinking about what her last meal was and meals we'd had and it just snowballed on me. I barely made it home.
Well I don't want my blog to turn into the land of depression. I'm interested in your thoughts if you feel like sharing and I hope no one minds me spilling my guts like this. It is the only place I have right now to try to deal with it.
I better go - I need to clean up my kitchen - guests start arriving tomorrow. It is snowing here tonight - we've gotten about 2 inches in three hours... fun :)
2 comments:
Talking is the only thing that almost helps me. Okay, and giving in to the crying once in awhile. There are still days that I get overwhelmed missing my dad. "It gets easier" they say. According to my dad, who lost his dad almost twenty years ago, it doesn't really. Just more time between episodes. It would have helped me to have had a funeral for closure...this memorial then a random ash disposing at some point in the future that my mother thinks accompanies familial deaths doesn't work for me. Beside the point. If you want to talk, I'm home pretty much every night if you want someone to listen. Get overwhelmed by it, that's human. Pull over and cry. Be around your family that's going through the same thing. Talk about your grandma, even if it's not about her passing.
I know it's not the same, but I know that Tyler gets Jade in the middle of the night and I don't always remember that, nor does he, but she's safe. Is Michael safe? That's the important thing. Would it be better to have his crib in your room right now?
Hugs.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories. It did help to read that I'm not alone in this.
Thank you Sean for looking after my sister. I'm sure she is struggling with this as much as I am.
They are trying to keep her comfortable today. Apparently, when you start having episodes of apnea your body (at a point) recognizes the condition and you panic. This happened over night. They set her up with oxygen because the sense that oxygen is being pushed on you, even if you're not breathing it, calms you. This is the stage she is in today.
I've heard so many things about how much longer she could be like this that I hate to even guess. I was told on Sunday that today was probably as long as she could live like this.
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Questions:
I have a digital sony cyber shoot, 3x zoom, 5 megapixels. We bought a few months ago - replacing our 3 MGP because it got some chocolate milk on it and it went the way of the dodo as a result. The new camera is most of the pictures on the blog. It isn't bad - it isn't a rebel though. If you want to get into professional photography I would suggest getting one of the Nikon D Series. I work with a couple of photographers and for hotography that looks great they use Nikon. They also use the AE1 Canon - no digital - all film. This is what I have for my fun photography. I have a 50-300MM lense, a converter which doubles my lense and then a 400-800. I'm still getting use to using the big lenses.
It is snowing by the bucket today. We've gotten more than six inches since 10pm last night. It is still snowing now.
Aunti Jenni is here in a few hours and I've got a few things left to do before then. Thank you again to everyone. :)
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