the complexity

And so - here I sit - down 45 lbs since July and down over 80 lbs since my heaviest point in life and I feel a bit lost in it.  You see, I still see my fat version wondering around, April 1.0 - it is quite odd to hear that I look different.  Don't get me wrong - I feel better, I'm wearing clothes that I couldn't have gotten into in grade 12 - I still have a goal that I personally want to reach and so I'm trying to carry on - after a one month hiatus and no loss or gain and more of a month of re-distribution I'm back on the training trail.

What has come to me over the past few weeks is that I have to get past being that bigger person - that I need to re-focus my attention to how I look and feel today, April 2.0 :)  I actually throw away clothes that get big now - because there is no way that I'm allowing myself to have a moment of - well just put on the big pants today - it can't happen.  I can definitely see how it would be easy to gain the weight back because if I keep thinking that I look the same then if I gain weight there is part of my brain that would say well then I'd just feel the same... it is such a mind game.

And so I am working forward.  Many goals, dreams and great things ahead and the road is paved with hope.

my love to you tonight - xo plus an extra smooch, ok - two :)

ps - spiders are stupid - especially ones that hide in boxes and then launch themselves at you and hang out on you like you are some kind of spider resting place - gawd